Running from lives I never thought I’d live
loving the things I once did.
The world crashes down around me as I stand tall.
Looking up and cursing the sky.
Cursing this never ending cycle of what I don’t know.
It’s all too dark, too rigid, too clear.
I can’t help but cry at this tragedy.
I said I’d never do this. I said I’d never cry just because.
but yet I do. I shed sweet tears for nothing except my tramped spirit, once dancing free.
I need to be saved. come save me.
i drown in the deep despair of my meaningless existence
i am nothing.
it’s all too cliche’ for my liking but yet i go on.
i pray i don’t go down the path of never ending sorrow.
too many who venture there never return.
i don’t want to be that stupid.
i don’t want to be that far gone.
it sucks. i want out.
I need to be saved.
I need a hug yet all the hugs I get never seem to satisfy me.
I need to cry one someone, grab their shoulders tight and let my tears run free.
But I am nothing so I get nothing.
You know I hurt. It hurts.
Posted by Dreamer On September - 25 - 2009Comments
Reason and Passion XV by Khalil Gibran
And the priestess spoke again and said: “Speak to us of Reason and Passion.”And he answered saying:
Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against passion and your appetite.
Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.
But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?
Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or our rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing;
And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.
I would have you consider your judgment and your appetite even as you would two loved guests in your house.
Surely you would not honour one guest above the other; for he who is more mindful of one loses the love and the faith of both.
Among the hills, when you sit in the cool shade of the white poplars, sharing the peace and serenity of distant fields and meadows – then let your heart say in silence, “God rests in reason.”
And when the storm comes, and the mighty wind shakes the forest, and thunder and lightning proclaim the majesty of the sky, – then let your heart say in awe, “God moves in passion.”
And since you are a breath In God’s sphere, and a leaf in God’s forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion.
Posted by Dreamer On September - 21 - 2009Comments
Brighter than any star,
Its presence is always near,
Yet stretches far,
Warmer than a hot summer’s air,
Its heat gives warmth and shows it cares,
Tougher than a raging horse,
Its mighty strength pushes away hatred with no remorse,
Everlasting and universal,
Scattered yet united,
Untouchable yet flowing,
With wings it soars to touch our hearts,
To heal and patch up the broken parts,
Sweet and gentle like a dove,
Yes indeed it is the power of Love
Posted by Dreamer On September - 17 - 2009Comments
Indeed, there are Masters among you. Scattered amongst the continents to shine their lights as brightly as possible, simply by being themselves, living mostly “ordinary” lives. Until, with enough of them walking the earth, at the deepest psychological levels, a tipping point will be reached so that all others will be raised ever higher into the light, simply for being in their midst, as if through osmosis.
Of course… there’s always been the risk that these Masters, once immersed into a sea of limited thinkers, might mistaken their “ordinary” lives as simply ordinary lives, think they’re simply one of the herd, and therefore not appreciate their unique perspectives, grasp their mission, or love themselves as they are no matter what others think, and the whole osmosis thing won’t work.
How you holding up? Loving yourself?
Just checking,
Tollie…
So many times especially early in my life I found my dreams and desires to be out of reach. Something would always seem to prevent me from working on my passion and ultimate goal.
To tell the truth, I had plenty of free time. That I spent much of it uncreatively showed evidence of frivolousness, laziness, and cowardliness. I usually preferred to take my mind off things, or to daydream, rather than to express myself through poems. The satisfaction I could derive from achieving this expression seldom induced me to try. The deterring elements were the difficulty of trying and the uncertainty surrounding the outcome of my efforts.
A poem – assuming one is concerned about writing beautifully – is indeed no cinch. It requires a poet who is talented, skilled, and determined. My poetic ability was fickle; my grammar and style were faulty; my will was faint. I lacked the courage of my creative desire. This lack was not absolute. Now and then, when I felt compellingly inspired, I resisted my temptation to trifle – which amounted to taking the easy way out – and endeavored to compose a poem. I had to repeat this endeavor, over and over, to grow more capable and confident, less discouraged by the challenge at hand.
I am afraid young individuals similar to the young man I was then are not a rarity. The prospect of success turns them on; effort and the risk of failure turn them off. The contradiction is apparent, and the result predictable: Since effort and the risk of failure are essential for success, the avoidance of them precludes this success. Of course everyone knows this. The trouble is that many refuse largely to accept it. This is proof that knowledge is powerless in itself; it needs a strong will to be effective. Young individuals, who know the rules of success, can be failures inasmuch as they fail to accept these rules. Wisdom includes this acceptance (the exclusion of which is thus foolish). It must be distinguished from knowledge. Wise people are also brave people who put their knowledge into practice and become successful for that reason. The obvious holds good in every way: Life without courage is like a bird without wings; it cannot take off.
Why is it hard to want both the end and the means? Precisely because the means are hard, not to mention the fact that they are hazardous, you might answer. If you are right, then why do some actually thrive on this hardness and hazardousness? The key to this mystery is their attitude: They regard these opposing elements not only as obstacles but also as opportunities for merit and excitement. Just as they were young once, spoon-fed and sheltered from the evils of the world, they eventually outgrew their attachment to easiness and developed a taste for challenge. In conclusion, what characterizes them is their maturity, by contrast with the infantilism of others.
Between these two extremes there is a mediocre compromise, partly mature, partly infantile. It consists in taking charge of one’s life while taking the easy way out. Small principles, small realizations, far below one’s potential for greatness, they are poor excuses for wisdom and success. Potential, that is the operative word. There can be greatness in apparent smallness and smallness in apparent greatness; the truth resides in the great or small actualization of one’s potential, whatever it is.
How does one discover what it is? By making the effort to actualize it in the ever-renewed and multifaceted act of living. This entails that one push oneself hard, at the risk of going too far. Measure is an empty abstraction for anyone who has never exceeded it. Limits should be experienced, not invented. This experience demands a serious and courageous commitment to greatness. Steer clear of frivolousness, laziness, and cowardliness; do not fall prey to them as I did so many times. They are strong temptations that can assume the form of a cunning philosophy that is unique to losers. Beware of this snare. Life is a demanding character test; come death, you will have ample time to rest!
Nostalgic for the old days when I wrote anyhow about anything, I once conveniently believed in spontaneous writing as a guarantee of genuineness. Fortunately I was foolish yet not a complete fool. After some denial, which involved some nonsense in justification of my foolishness, I admitted sullenly that my sacrosanct pursuit of genuineness was in fact a vile indulgence in idiocy. There is nothing spontaneous about the intelligent conception and intelligible expression of one’s true self, which is everything but simple. It is a tissue of desires, feelings, ideas, and memories, caught in a whirl of interactions between the mind and the world. Either one goes to great lengths to elucidate and formulate the truth about oneself, and one hits the bull’s-eye, or one talks bullshit – please forgive my language.
Some people shine at off-the-cuff speeches, as though they were so brilliant they could avoid saying idiocies when forced to be spontaneous. Make no mistake; their brilliance is merely one side of the equation. They have spent years polishing their manner of thinking and speaking, while their knowledge waxed through learning. Their spontaneity is studied. It is a product of numerous rehearsals, like the performance of an actor. Nothing great ever comes easily to anyone, including those who are the most gifted among us. Superior luck is not human greatness, only a steppingstone toward it. The stone is given; the stepping is done by the sweat of one’s brow and is made of a million steps, uphill. To work one’s way up to greatness is comparable to conquering Mount Everest, the highest peak of the Himalayas. It is an outstanding achievement with a sense of pride to match.
I am a person that consciously looks for ways to be empowered in a positive way. I have learned that empowerment is a double edged sword as you can empower yourself or be empowered into a weakened state of mind, body, and soul. At the same time you can empower yourself or be empowered to levels of greatness.
Daily I choose to empower myself and allow others to empower me for higher
Daily I choose to provide myself with thoughts that make my mind tingle with excitement, foods that nourish my body, stories and experiences that enrich my soul. Mind, body, and soul I empower towards greatness.
Teen Women Empowerment: TollieSchmidt.com
It took a lot of introspection and study to realize that I always have the choice to empower myself for greatness on a daily basis. But, I have noticed that many people, especially women, do not recognize the power of choice and the beauty of positive empowerment. Too often I see people stuck in heavy, depressed states and flooding themselves with foods and media that enables those states without being conscious of what they are doing to themselves.
Right now, I choose to pass on this knowledge to those of you open to receiving it. My ability to choose the positive things in life really came when I understood what the words meant.
So, here are the basic definitions of empowerment and choice.
Webster’s Dictionary:
empowerment -
1 : to give official authority or legal power to [empowered her attorney to act on her behalf]
2 : enable 1a
3 : to promote the self-actualization or influence of [women's movement has been inspiring and empowering women - Ron Hansen]
choice -
1: the act of choosing : selection finding it hard to make a choice
2: power of choosing : option [you have no choice]
Understanding the above definitions means that when we are depressed and live in feelings of being trapped and unhappiness we have put ourselves there. In essence we have given ourselves the official authority through the power of our own choice to be stuck in the pain. We are truly responsible for how we feel. So, this realization led me to the understanding that I, and everyone on the planet, can give ourselves the official authority through the power of choice to feel good and work towards our success. We can be grateful for any situation if we choose to see the benefits, being poor teaches us the value of small joys in life. Losing a loved one teaches us to value the time we have with our loved ones.
How has this truly helped me change my life and how can it help you?
Simple, understanding the words empowerment and choice puts you in control of how you feel and where you are going in life. I personally choose not to watch the news too often and I am very careful of the TV shows I watch. I choose to fill my life with joyful information. I choose to compliment others and to be in the company of happy people who enjoy life. I choose to let people know what I want in life with the expectation that they may be able to assist me in my journeys.
Think, how are you choosing to empower yourself and to be empowered? Are you choosing daily the life you want or are you letting life choose for you? You have the authority and the power to choose.
I encourage you to fill your life with things that will empower you in a strong and positive manner. This is why so many people love Oprah, John Tesh, and Dr. Phil, because they empower people to new levels of greatness. If you would like assistance in this area, I encourage you to visit http://www.womensempowermentla.com and join me and some friends for 2 days of positive empowerment for women at the Women’s Empowerment L.A. 2007! The convention will be held in the Long Beach Convention Center in Los Angeles, CA on November 17-18, 2007.
Make the choice to live a positive, joyful life of your choosing!
For as long as there have been poets there have been voices telling us that the heart is a seat of consciousness. For as long as Anyone has received a message from the God that created them they have reported back to us to “listen to your hearts”. Each train of religious thought references the heart as a vehicle for discernment.
Ever see what the Dalai Lama does when he replies “I see.” or, “I understand!”? Why, he looks you right in the eyes and places his hands over his heart. Does he know something we don’t? How could he? Everybody and their Aunties have been telling us as long as we’ve had ears that the heart has a greater place in our consciousness than we allow ourselves to embrace.
The Poet & The Way To Her Heart: TollieSchmidt.com
It hasn’t always been like this. Somewhere along the line, though not exactly discredited, the thought of living within and using the consciousness of the heart took a major back seat to, well, the thought that the brain is the center of our ability to receive, process and assimilate information.
Lyrically, all the information is there. In fact, the concept is a part of our shared human experience, regardless the language, custom or orientation. What’s exciting is that today, science is beginning to cut loose and reveal to us empirically what we have always known — in our hearts, of course!
Dr. Joseph Chilton Pearce, a pioneer in the distillation of scientific research as it is applied to human development (and especially childhood education) is the author of The Crack in the Cosmic Egg, Exploring the Crack in the Cosmic Egg, Magical Child, Magical Child Matures, Bond of Power and Evolution’s End. He has been gathering information from scientific studies around the globe that provide strong evidence that heart-consciousness is much more than just a metaphor.
There is more than enough data available to begin using what has been learned and to begin to apply it to real-life experience. Much of my own distillation process I owe to the work of Dr. Pearce, who has given me permission to share information based on his lecture materials.
We hear of test-tube babies. In reality, that’s only where they get their very first start. Unless the fertilized egg is implanted into the womb of a mother-host very soon, it will die. Why? Because this new organism cannot become viable until, literally, the spark of life is passed on to it from another living organism of its kind. Life itself, the spark of life of which we all share, has been received by the offspring as passed on through the mother back to humankind’s first ancestor. The electromagnetic field, which lives inside the mother activates the pulse of the newborn.
That pulse is taken on by a clump of cells in just about the center of the new organism. But do you know what these cells are? Science has named them atrial-neural cells: cells that have the capability of functioning as either heart (beating – atrial) cells, OR Brain (information processing – neural) cells.
This is no tiny concept, but there’s a cute little visual that hammers it all home. After a period defined by phenomenally rapid cell-division within the developing organism, a number of beating atrial-neural cells “migrate” in two tiny streams (like horns growing out of a head) from that central clump to a position closer to the outer edge of the organism. There, they come together to grow to become the organ that we know as the brain.
Think about this a moment: The brain actually comes from the heart. It is, in fact, an extension of it. Now feel this for a moment. If you can’t differentiate between thinking about the concept and being able to feel the experience of it, don’t worry, you’ll be getting some tools to help you sharpen your abilities.
But the whole thing gets even juicier, because something more interesting develops. After a while, the cells that coalesce into what we call the brain stop streaming, stop beating and begin to differentiate into cells that specifically take on the function of information processing. But about 65% of the heart cells in your chest this very moment continue to function as neural (information processing) cells!
In a nutshell, atrial-neural cells that migrate to form the brain forget about beating and go about the process of information assimilation. Their siblings, who stayed at home, continue to beat, but they’re also processing and assimilating information.
Between now and the next part of this series, spend some time with this concept. Allow yourself to sense, if you can, the part of you that lies in the center of your chest that is, indeed, taking in information and distributing it. The next installment will offer you some clues and cues that will help you to become more familiar with the wonders of your heart, your most potent ally.
Beautiful Evening Comes
Beautiful evening comes,
In sweet rendezvous melody;
Like the silvery amalgams,
With it’s wings so playfully.
Daybreak in orange grove,
In the blue blossomy;
That comes for a night glow,
And late hours so bonny.
Where can a brownie be,
That loves a glitter bloom;
And flies a round a tree,
Like summer’s little groom.
Heart as gold at daybreak,
When the fairies all fly in;
Newborn in morning wake,
With their little fluffy spin.
Then starts the new singing,
For what was quiet and still;
The fiery light is clinging,
Over the sleepy drown hill.
Come closer you new day,
With breeze there roundabout;
Amid rose bay in the way,
Taking away the nights doubt.
Before this odyssey ever began, there was you, your best friends, and wide-eyed curiosity among you about who would be the first to leap, the first to forget, the first to kiss, the first to tell, the first to fall, the first to get back up, and the first to remember that it all began with a dare: to love in spite of it all.
Dream Odyssey: TollieSchmidt.com
Because of one man’s refusal to stop dreaming the world has a place where Magic still lives. The Walt Disney World Resort in Florida is a Family Vacation paradise. A Place where princesses still dance, A pirate and adventure await. Where age stands still and the inner child comes to play. Walt’s Dream is very much still alive! Welcome to a Dream, Welcome to Walt Disney World.
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But, what if you did have the power, the reach, and the glory?
What if you were given dominion over all things?
And what if eternity lay before you, brimming with love, friends, and laughter?
Yet still, one day, in all your radiance, bubbling over with giddy excitement, you tripped, fell, and got hurt – really hurt.
Would you give up on all of your dreams? Would you hate yourself? Would you forget life’s magic and promise?
Or would you shrug it off, look ahead, and exclaim that it’s “just a flesh wound”?
Yeah…It’s That Good!
Tollie… “The Dreamer”
Heart Of Satan – What It Looks Like When Fireworks Explode Inside Of A Storm Cloud Over A River By: stuckincustoms
What if, all that you had to look forward to were the things that are free, like sunrises, wagging tails, holding hands, and your imagination. Would it all be worth it?
Probably.
What if you could trade-in some of your free stuff for fabulous wealth, fulfilling work, gorgeous looks, or anything else that your heart desired? Would it all be worth it?
Does a bear sleep in the woods? Is the Pope Catholic? Would you like syrup with your French Toast?
Here I am, motionless except for the occasional deep sigh. I’m staring at the clock, watching the minutes tick by. My mom told me to count sheep. By now I have counted so many sheep that I never want to see another in my life. My brother told me to listen to my iPod. I ended up strangling myself with my headphones. My sister told me to count backward from 100. All that did was get me confused.
Teen Guitar Musician Dreams and Passion Art: TollieSchmidt.com
So now I just sit here thinking. Thinking of how almost everyone else in town is asleep. It is 1:07 now. In five hours and 23 minutes I will be getting up and starting a new day.
My mind wanders to almost any topic. From band competitions to what I am going to wear tomorrow. I was always told to shut my mind down when I try to sleep, but my fear is that it will never start back up again.
3:26. Three hours and four minutes left, and all I can think about is how well-rested I would be after three hours of sleep. Now I think about my dogs and my cat and how stupid they are, but then I realize I am the stupid one. Right now my dogs and my cat are all asleep, and they will wake up well-rested and ready for the day. Why can’t I drift off for an hour or two? It doesn’t make sense. So many people fall asleep without even trying, like during class or on the bus. I have to work for sleep, which almost defeats the purpose because sleeping is supposed to be peaceful, not work.
5:49. Less than an hour now. I might as well get up instead of torturing myself. It is useless now. It shouldn’t be this hard.
6:07. I don’t remember the last time I had a full night’s sleep. I lie awake listening to the sounds of my silent house. The soft snores coming from my parents’ room, the soft drip, drip of the faucet.
6:29. One minute left. One more minute to attempt to sleep. BEEP BEEP BEEP. Hopefully I will have better luck tonight. But I know that tonight will be just like the rest.
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A Teen Girls Struggle With Weight, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Depression and Body Image.
Dear God, help me. I learned in church that to treat our bodies like we would treat your temple. Forgive me for making myself sick. You of all people should understand. I’d be normal if you had made me thin, instead of fat. Why did you have to give me such wide hips? I’m so fat. What guy wants his girlfriend to look like me, a beast? If you truly loved me, you’d help me get thin. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’d rather die than continue to be so fat.
Jimmy will be here in twenty minutes. Where’s my stupid toothbrush? I’ll use lots of toothpaste and mouthwash so I won’t taste like throw-up when Jimmy kisses me. Why do my eyes always have to water and make my mascara run when I stick my finger down my throat? I still feel like there’s food in my stomach from yesterday. I can feel the calories. I’ll do three hundred more sit-ups. One … two … three …four … God, I’m dizzy. 12 … If I can just do these sit-ups, today I will have done 1,300 in all. Tomorrow, I do 2,000 sit-ups and run two miles. I won’t eat anything for the next two weeks … 59 … 60 … 61 … that way, I’ll be really skinny and all the popular guys will think I’m really pretty. 122 …123 … I should take another one of those diet 172 … 173 … 0h no! Jimmy’s early! Now I’m gonna gain weight because I can’t do sit-ups when he’s here!
“Hi, Jimmy.”
“Hi, Adrienne. You look really nice.”
“No I don’t. I look fat.”
“Adrienne,you’re like, the skinniest person I know. How many times do I have to tell you that? Everyone always tells you that you’re too skinny. Anyway, I hope you’re hungry because we have reservations for Charlies.”
“I just ate.” God, did you plan this? I don’t want to eat again because then I’ll have to throw up. I don’t feel like vomiting, or wiping my mascara. I don’t want to wipe any throw-up that may splatter on my new sweater,either.
“Why can’t we just stay home, or go to a movie or something?”
“Because I’m starved. What’s the matter with you?”
“First of all, you know I hate eating out, and second, I have a stomachache.” I’m just gonna sit on the couch and refuse to look at him. Men are so insensitive. I feel like dumping Jimmy. He like, lied to me and said I was thin. How idiotic can he get? My stomach really does hurt. God’s probably punishing me for not taking proper care of my body.
“Jimmy,maybe you should just go home.”
“Why? Don’t you want to spend time with me? Are you mad? What is it? Do you not love me anymore?”
“Of course I love you, Jimmy. It’s just … I don’t feel like eating, that’s all.” Dear God, please don’t let Jimmy kiss me. I probably still taste like throw-up. Oh God, why do you hate me? Can’t you distract him?
“I missed kissing you all day.”
“Jimmy, what are we doing tonight?”
“Do you have anything to eat here?”
“Well, I can try to make you something.”
“Anything edible sounds good.”
Guys are so lucky. They can eat anything they want and not gain a pound. It’s not fair.Jimmy is thin, but built. I’m the twin of the fat lady in the circus.
“Never mind, forget the food. Let’s just stay here and snuggle.”
“Jimmy, I told you I have a stomach ache.”
“Well, let me rub it.”
“No. You just want to squeeze my love handles.”
“What love handles?”
“Jimmy, don’t laugh at me! You know I’m fat!”
God, why can’t guys understand that when you say you don’t feel well, you don’t want to be touched. If I was a guy, I’d understand. Jimmy knows I hate it when he touches my stomach. He always ends up fondling my fat rolls. So why does he continue to do it when he knows it bothers me?
“I have to go to the bathroom.”
Yes, finally. The laxatives are kicking in. I just hope I lose a ton of weight. I need another diet pill. I wonder if I can exercise while sitting on the toilet. I’ll step on the scale to see how much weight I’ve lost since this morning. Oh God! I’ve only lost one pound! If I can get rid of Jimmy, I can run up and down my stairs one hundred times. Is my wrist getting any thinner? Is my waist any leaner? I know, I’ll just puke again. Don’t think about the pain. Don’t think about the pain. Just heave. Why is only liquid coming up? This isn’t working. What is that medicine that kids drink when they swallow poison that helps them throw-up? Ipecac? I think we might have some. Here it is. I’ll just drink the whole bottle. It tastes awful! Just drink it. Just drink it. It will help you get thinner.
“Are you okay in there?”
“Um … Yes. I’ll be out soon. You should really go home, Jimmy. I don’t feel well.”
“Should I call your mother at work?”
“No. I just need to rest.”
“Okay. I feel terrible about leaving you here alone so sick.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I just need a goodnight sleep.”
“Okay. Whatever you say.”
Why can’t Jimmy just mind his own business. I’m seventeen and can take care of myself. I’ll just open the door and tell him to get out of my house.
“Jimmy …”
“Here, let me help you to the couch.”
“I’m not crippled. Jimmy, I really appreciate your concern … “
“Just relax. I’ll call later to check on you.”
“Okay.Good-bye.”
Don’t kiss me. I have vomit breath. Please don’t kiss me.Why did you have to kiss me?
Thank God, he’s finally gone. I’m so tired and this couch is so comfortable. What’s that in my fingernail? A piece of food.I hate food. What’s the point of eating? To get fat? Oh, dear God! I feel so nauseous! Oh, my head is spinning! It’s the Ipecac. Yes! I’m going to really throw up! Thank you, God! This tastes so terrible coming up, but at least it’s working. Eew! I hate it when the vomit slams into the toilet so hard it splashes me in the face. That’s so gross. Why is my vomit black? My heart is pounding so hard. I need to rest. I need Tylenol to cure my headache, and another diet pill.I need some more laxatives, too. I should weigh myself to see how much more weight I’ve lost. Oh my God! I’ve only lost another pound! I’m so fat! Why is it so hard to get thin? I’ll go run up and down my stairs. Is my wrist any thinner?Jimmy, I’ll show you how beautiful I’ll be when I’m thin. You’ll be so proud to have me as your girlfriend.
Running up and down these stairs is so tiresome. Surely I’m burning thousands of calories. Only ten more times to go!How does Claudia Shiffer stay so skinny? Maybe I should stop eating food and just live off vitamins. I’m so tired and hot and my stomach is rumbling. Oh, good! The laxatives are working again!
I really need to rest. The world is spinning.My pulsating heartbeat and rapid breathing are so loud, I can’t hear anything else. I need to sit. Is there anything on TV? Oh. A McDonald’s commercial. Those fries look so delicious … and fattening. I’m hungry. I should take another diet pill. God, are you anywhere close? I feel sick. Help me to feel better. I hope you aren’t mad at me for throwing up again. This is your fault, God. You should have made me beautiful and thin. I swear, I’d rather die than be fat. God,if I don’t weigh 60 pounds or less by Tuesday, I’m going to kill myself.
I hate my fat legs. Does that scale say 86 pounds? Five minutes ago, I weighed 85pounds! Oh my God! I’m gaining weight! Should I walk in front of traffic on the highway? Should I shoot myself with Daddy’s gun? No. I’d probably still be fat in Heaven. I’ll just keep working until I’m thin.
I’m glad I’m crying. Crying makes you lose weight. I’m so very tired. My stomach and head ache so bad. Jimmy doesn’t really love me, or he’d be here with me. No one could love a hideous,obese monster like me. I’ll sit on the couch and cry myself to sleep. When I wake up, I will do 3,000 sit-ups and run ten miles. I’ll make myself throw-up until there’s nothing left in my body. I’ll do that and more for the rest of my life.Jimmy, you’ll see. I’ll never be fat again. I’ll be thin . . . or dead.
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“I will not die an un-lived life. I will not live in fear of falling or
catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.”
Amsterdam During The Holidays Along The Canals TollieSchmidt.com
There is an old Cherokee saying about life:
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced.
Live your life so that when you die,
the world cries and you rejoice.”
My dreams have been coming true over the last few months. The opportunities and travel have been a result of many changes in my outlook on life. I have been able to help so many more people as I have been able to expand on talents laying dormant inside of me. As a dreamer it is time again to spread my wings and take flight. This is why I’m moving to Rome, because life is an adventure, weaved through art, feelings,people,love,passion and not allowing fear to stop your opportunity for amazing feelings through adventure infused by dreams and feelings.
Amsterdam Canal Photograph TollieSchmidt.com
I have always believed in being very open with everyone. I am a firm believer in never apologizing for your feelings. So, I’m gonna share a glimpse of what I like to call my “Vision-Dream” board. I would encourage all of you to create one for yourself. Creating a photographic scrapbook of your dreams and adventures you wish to create in your life is important. They remind you of what you really want, which in return directs your actions to achieve them.
Tollie's Dream Home The Artistic Victoria II Log Castle Home TollieSchmidt.com
I dream of a home created with natural elements, built with an artistic architectural style. A place where my family can grow, explore, and dream. Outback a huge playhouse and pirate ship where my kids can play outside and use their imagination. A Place where they can sail the high seas, and explore new worlds. A place where a princess is still a princess and creates beauty because she’ll know true beauty lies from within.
Tollie's Dream Home The Victoria II Log Castle Side Elevation View TollieSchmidt.com
A Home where I can house a complete studio. Where I can create art through photo’s. A Imagination studio to write songs, create shows for television, and live events. A Peaceful surrounding to write poetry and keep the lost art alive for further generations. A home where my wife, can create any world she wants to live. A home where she can be her own amazing person while dreaming of the next adventure.
Walt Disney World's Yacht Club Resort Lighthouse On The Lake. TollieSchmidt.com
I dream of a home with open space. A home sitting on enough acreage in central Florida where anyone who needs a place to stay will know they are welcome and they are home as long as they need one. A Compound safe for my family and also to create a summer camp for hundreds of kids who want to dream. A special place where they can live inside their imagination and create while encouraged and loved. A beautiful lake with a lighthouse, always shining bright as a symbol of our love piercing any darkness or doubt for those who need to believe.
Homer and Bart Simpson Sliding Down The Stairs TollieSchmidt.com
I also want a Simpsons themed Movie room inside the house. What can I say I love the Simpsons and I want to create an awesome Movie setting experience where you feel right at home in Springfield.
To Dance Under The Eifel Tower In The City Of Love "Paris" TollieSchmidt.com
When you can take the love of your life, your “Dream Come True” and because you don’t live by a schedule you can fly to Paris just for you can share a dance under the Eifel Tower.
Creating A Feeling Dancing In A Field..."And They Danced" TollieSchmidt.com
To have the freedom to grab life by the horns and create new experiences and adventure with your family. Allowing your children to learn languages and cultures by being present rather than by reading in a book.
St. Basils Cathedral Moscow Russia On Red Square TollieSchmidt.com
Allowing your children to feel history rather then looking at pictures. Creating a passion for life and service with compassion. Giving them the opportunity to see how people live outside of the American Vacuum for they will know tolerance, and understanding.
Where Warriors Still Battle "The Colosseum Rome"
Feeling the emotions of thousands through a live “Journey of a Dreamer” Experience. Infusing Lights-Fire-Music-Acting-Dance-Video-Photography-Spoken Word into a life changing powerful explossion of Dreams. Creating a cultural change and smashing the illusion of life. Stripping fear, knocking down walls and watching teens across this world take a stand and Be Great!
"Journey of a Dreamer" Live Stage Experience. TollieSchmidt.com
To know at the end of the show and Life’s curtain draws on me for the last time I can say “I did my best, I gave it all, I loved with a firery passion, I served and helped as many as I could.” This is a small glimpse of my vision/dream board. And it’s all coming true, maybe it’s the Mojo…Who knows, but it’s my beautiful dream.
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“The day will come when, after harnessing space, the winds, the tides and gravitation, we shall harness for God the energies of love. And on that day, for the second time in the history of the world, we shall have discovered fire.”
I have a dream that flipped in my head,
A dream that is always there and can’t be denied,
In the dream the sea is different but I’m exactly the same,
Vivid colors and such amazing skies that took my breath away.
With my mind swept away I felt slipping into a reflection,
I stood alone with water covering my face,
Rocks under my feet and water touching my toes,
I felt the warmth of the sun setting under me.
I watched the day die as waves tossed at my feet,
Hoping for time to stand still as I become one with the sun
Suddenly I was swept out to sea, carried in a dream,
Sailing in a boat made of memories and rowing in thoughts.
I got to where the sky meets the sea,
And right there I knew It was you i was dreaming for,
As my heart gave a leap, I called out your name,
It echoed through the waves so the whole world could hear.
Everything was perfect, yet flawed without you,
A dot slowly appeared, growing as I gazed at it,
A boat getting nearer, rowing through my thoughts
And you stepped out, wiped the tear from my eye.
Then I woke up and you were gone,
The sea stole you’re boat, all remain was my thoughts
But I’ll wait for you, always, with a dream in my head,
I’ll love you, forever, and on this shoreline, I stand.
Losing 300+ pounds…his passion for no child to live as he did!
Tollie, who lived his life as “the fat kid” and dealt with his self-inflicted circumstances in a self-destructive way, ballooned to over 500 pounds by the age of 24.
The pothole-ridden first few chapters of Tollie’s life are viewed by most people as nothing short of inspiring, as seen in various national publications.
More about Tollie
Running from lives I never thought I’d live![Recommend [tollieschmidt]](http://s3.amazonaws.com/arkayne-media/img/logo-recommend-me.png){kind=logo}
Losing 300+ pounds…his passion for no child to live as he did!
Tollie, who lived his life as “the fat kid” and dealt with his self-inflicted circumstances in a self-destructive way, ballooned to over 500 pounds by the age of 24.
The pothole-ridden first few chapters of Tollie’s life are viewed by most people as nothing short of inspiring, as seen in various national publications.
