“FAT”

A Teen Girls Struggle With Weight, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Depression and Body Image.

Dear God, help me. I learned in church that to treat our bodies like we would treat your temple. Forgive me for making myself sick. You of all people should understand. I’d be normal if you had made me thin, instead of fat. Why did you have to give me such wide hips? I’m so fat. What guy wants his girlfriend to look like me, a beast? If you truly loved me, you’d help me get thin. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’d rather die than continue to be so fat.

Jimmy will be here in twenty minutes. Where’s my stupid toothbrush? I’ll use lots of toothpaste and mouthwash so I won’t taste like throw-up when Jimmy kisses me. Why do my eyes always have to water and make my mascara run when I stick my finger down my throat? I still feel like there’s food in my stomach from yesterday. I can feel the calories. I’ll do three hundred more sit-ups. One … two … three …four … God, I’m dizzy. 12 … If I can just do these sit-ups, today I will have done 1,300 in all. Tomorrow, I do 2,000 sit-ups and run two miles. I won’t eat anything for the next two weeks … 59 … 60 … 61 … that way, I’ll be really skinny and all the popular guys will think I’m really pretty. 122 …123 … I should take another one of those diet 172 … 173 … 0h no! Jimmy’s early! Now I’m gonna gain weight because I can’t do sit-ups when he’s here!

“Hi, Jimmy.”

“Hi, Adrienne. You look really nice.”

“No I don’t. I look fat.”

“Adrienne,you’re like, the skinniest person I know. How many times do I have to tell you that? Everyone always tells you that you’re too skinny. Anyway, I hope you’re hungry because we have reservations for Charlies.”

“I just ate.” God, did you plan this? I don’t want to eat again because then I’ll have to throw up. I don’t feel like vomiting, or wiping my mascara. I don’t want to wipe any throw-up that may splatter on my new sweater,either.

“Why can’t we just stay home, or go to a movie or something?”

“Because I’m starved. What’s the matter with you?”

“First of all, you know I hate eating out, and second, I have a stomachache.” I’m just gonna sit on the couch and refuse to look at him. Men are so insensitive. I feel like dumping Jimmy. He like, lied to me and said I was thin. How idiotic can he get? My stomach really does hurt. God’s probably punishing me for not taking proper care of my body.

“Jimmy,maybe you should just go home.”

“Why? Don’t you want to spend time with me? Are you mad? What is it? Do you not love me anymore?”

“Of course I love you, Jimmy. It’s just … I don’t feel like eating, that’s all.” Dear God, please don’t let Jimmy kiss me. I probably still taste like throw-up. Oh God, why do you hate me? Can’t you distract him?

“I missed kissing you all day.”

“Jimmy, what are we doing tonight?”

“Do you have anything to eat here?”

“Well, I can try to make you something.”

“Anything edible sounds good.”

Guys are so lucky. They can eat anything they want and not gain a pound. It’s not fair.Jimmy is thin, but built. I’m the twin of the fat lady in the circus.

“Never mind, forget the food. Let’s just stay here and snuggle.”

“Jimmy, I told you I have a stomach ache.”

“Well, let me rub it.”

“No. You just want to squeeze my love handles.”

“What love handles?”

“Jimmy, don’t laugh at me! You know I’m fat!”

[smartads]

God, why can’t guys understand that when you say you don’t feel well, you don’t want to be touched. If I was a guy, I’d understand. Jimmy knows I hate it when he touches my stomach. He always ends up fondling my fat rolls. So why does he continue to do it when he knows it bothers me?

“I have to go to the bathroom.”

Yes, finally. The laxatives are kicking in. I just hope I lose a ton of weight. I need another diet pill. I wonder if I can exercise while sitting on the toilet. I’ll step on the scale to see how much weight I’ve lost since this morning. Oh God! I’ve only lost one pound! If I can get rid of Jimmy, I can run up and down my stairs one hundred times. Is my wrist getting any thinner? Is my waist any leaner? I know, I’ll just puke again. Don’t think about the pain. Don’t think about the pain. Just heave. Why is only liquid coming up? This isn’t working. What is that medicine that kids drink when they swallow poison that helps them throw-up? Ipecac? I think we might have some. Here it is. I’ll just drink the whole bottle. It tastes awful! Just drink it. Just drink it. It will help you get thinner.

“Are you okay in there?”

“Um … Yes. I’ll be out soon. You should really go home, Jimmy. I don’t feel well.”

“Should I call your mother at work?”

“No. I just need to rest.”

“Okay. I feel terrible about leaving you here alone so sick.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I just need a goodnight sleep.”

“Okay. Whatever you say.”

Why can’t Jimmy just mind his own business. I’m seventeen and can take care of myself. I’ll just open the door and tell him to get out of my house.

“Jimmy …”

“Here, let me help you to the couch.”

“I’m not crippled. Jimmy, I really appreciate your concern … “

“Just relax. I’ll call later to check on you.”

“Okay.Good-bye.”

Don’t kiss me. I have vomit breath. Please don’t kiss me.Why did you have to kiss me?

Thank God, he’s finally gone. I’m so tired and this couch is so comfortable. What’s that in my fingernail? A piece of food.I hate food. What’s the point of eating? To get fat? Oh, dear God! I feel so nauseous! Oh, my head is spinning! It’s the Ipecac. Yes! I’m going to really throw up! Thank you, God! This tastes so terrible coming up, but at least it’s working. Eew! I hate it when the vomit slams into the toilet so hard it splashes me in the face. That’s so gross. Why is my vomit black? My heart is pounding so hard. I need to rest. I need Tylenol to cure my headache, and another diet pill.I need some more laxatives, too. I should weigh myself to see how much more weight I’ve lost. Oh my God! I’ve only lost another pound! I’m so fat! Why is it so hard to get thin? I’ll go run up and down my stairs. Is my wrist any thinner?Jimmy, I’ll show you how beautiful I’ll be when I’m thin. You’ll be so proud to have me as your girlfriend.

[singlepic id=330 w=320 h=240 float=center]

Running up and down these stairs is so tiresome. Surely I’m burning thousands of calories. Only ten more times to go!How does Claudia Shiffer stay so skinny? Maybe I should stop eating food and just live off vitamins. I’m so tired and hot and my stomach is rumbling. Oh, good! The laxatives are working again!

I really need to rest. The world is spinning.My pulsating heartbeat and rapid breathing are so loud, I can’t hear anything else. I need to sit. Is there anything on TV? Oh. A McDonald’s commercial. Those fries look so delicious … and fattening. I’m hungry. I should take another diet pill. God, are you anywhere close? I feel sick. Help me to feel better. I hope you aren’t mad at me for throwing up again. This is your fault, God. You should have made me beautiful and thin. I swear, I’d rather die than be fat. God,if I don’t weigh 60 pounds or less by Tuesday, I’m going to kill myself.

I hate my fat legs. Does that scale say 86 pounds? Five minutes ago, I weighed 85pounds! Oh my God! I’m gaining weight! Should I walk in front of traffic on the highway? Should I shoot myself with Daddy’s gun? No. I’d probably still be fat in Heaven. I’ll just keep working until I’m thin.

I’m glad I’m crying. Crying makes you lose weight. I’m so very tired. My stomach and head ache so bad. Jimmy doesn’t really love me, or he’d be here with me. No one could love a hideous,obese monster like me. I’ll sit on the couch and cry myself to sleep. When I wake up, I will do 3,000 sit-ups and run ten miles. I’ll make myself throw-up until there’s nothing left in my body. I’ll do that and more for the rest of my life.Jimmy, you’ll see. I’ll never be fat again. I’ll be thin . . . or dead.

Do you have a story you would like featured? Please send it to the following email address: We would love to share and link to your personal site, to show off your talent.

TheCrew@TollieSchmidt.com